howlin' wolf 72 (howlinwolf72) wrote in project_mikomi,
howlin' wolf 72
howlinwolf72
project_mikomi

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hi

this community is a great idea, i just hope we can get more people to join, a lot of people need this sort of thing.

first of all, this isn't my only LJ, but this is one i just created for venting some frustrations in my life. originally i was intending to just create it, but not actually seek out other people, thinking that if some people randomly found me from linking to my interests, that would be better. but i think this community is the type of thing i'd like to get involved in. anyway, at this point my anonymity is very important to me, so i'm not going to give out too much information about myself, because i'd hate for someone i know in real life to happen to come across something i've said here and figure out that it's me.

here's the two main things bothering me right now: me and my wife work the same job, and it's a nice arrangment because if one of us gets sick, the other can fill in the shift, and the managers like us and have told us we don't even have to ask permission to switch or anything. but for the last few months, i haven't had one complete night off. every night, she's either been unable to work the shift at all, or unable to finish it when she starts. i'm tired and frustrated, but i'm also passive, and i feel like i'd be hurting her if i told her what it's doing to me. she's been treated very badly in her past, and sometimes i feel like i'm walking on eggshells with her because i don't want to end up acting like some of the nasty figures that have mistreated her before. i know it seems wrong, but it's a lot easier to analyze and ponder while sitting at a keyboard than it is to tell her to her face when she's whining and moaning that she feels like total crap.

the other problem is that i sometimes get disturbing violent daydreams. i differentiate "daydream" from "fantasy" by this criteria (i made it up myself, i don't know how accurate it is): a "fantasy" is something i dream up that i'd like to happen, even if i acknowledge that it will never happen (like inventing a time machine and going back in time to make love to Marilyn Monroe). a "daydream" is an image or idea that just comes to me, for no apparant reason, whether or not it's something i like. for example, i'll be walking down the street, and i'll see someone walking in the distance, and i'll suddenly wonder what it would be like if some unseen gunman shot this person in the neck. i visualize every aspect of it. i hate this. i don't want these sorts of things to happen, but the imagery just keeps coming to me. i'm not totally psycho, i've never shown any sign that i might snap and suddenly start making these daydreams become reality (or even that i want to), but it bugs me that this keeps happening. just today i was sitting comfortably in a nice chair when i suddenly had the thought of someone smashing me in the head with a sledgehammer. then i pondered what it would be like if i had been given some sort of powerful drug so that i was aware of the sensation but didn't feel the pain, and was somehow able to stay alive for a few minutes after the impact. icky icky icky, but it keeps happening.

i told my doctor about this second thing, and she told me not to worry, that everyone has a dark side and at least i know the difference, i have a good grip on reality. but can't i make this stuff stop without resorting to pharmaceuticals? those things scare the hell out of me (ProzacSpotlight.org).

sorry if my intro was a bummer to anyone's day, but i've gotta vent. and if this sort of venting actually interests you, or if you feel a need to be disturbed, keep an eye on my LJ. i'm sure i'll be making at least a few posts over the next few weeks.

edit: i just decided to add this a few minutes after posting: if anyone feels like asking me questions about myself, go ahead. i won't promise to answer all of them, but of those that i do answer, i'll be honest.
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